Depressed

So I awoke today feeling super depressed and eventually ended up in tears. Sometimes I feel like there are so many things that I want to be better or better at and I just can't make it work. Then if you'd like, add to that the fact that I feel like there is no one to talk to beyond my husband and my parents and I get even more depressed. I feel like I still do not have any local connections, despite my involvement in MOPS and my church. I feel like I am a burden to anyone that I might want to call...that everyone is too busy for me.

Things that were on my mind today include, but are not limited to....

• I am still torn about my husband's job issues and seem to be totally ineffective at communicating with him anymore.

• I need a bigger place to live that is in our price range and this seems to be an impossibility.
• I can't even begin to think of still being here at Christmas time....I can't find a spot for the tree this year.
• I never have time to play with Ray, even though he is begging me because John never seems to nap. This morning he actually napped for about an hour I think, after going down, being woken by his loud big bro, then crying himself back to sleep while mommy was on the phone in tears with Papa. (Otherwise, if he naps, it is usually at the same time as Ray....)
• John will sleep from 6:30pm to 5:30am one day or a similar amount of time for a few days in a row and then the next day be up 5 or 6 times and want to nurse every time....sometimes only for a minute or so and then just be awake. It can take up to an hour to get him back down. If I let him cry it out, he wakes Ray and then the only way to calm Ray is to have him sleep with me in my bed. Then I lose sleep because he is on top of me....pretty much literally.
• I have surgery on my lower eyelid next Wednesday that will require John to use a bottle..so far he completely refuses this idea. I also cannot lift my kids for a week after that....not sure how Ray will do with this.

More than likely I am forgetting things here....but for now, at least I got some of it out. I am lonely, stressed out, feel like a horrible mom, and today for the 1st time in a very long time, had some not so great thoughts. I know God is there for me, but....it would be nice if I could feel that presence more.....or if I could feel like people cared too.